Is it a Virgo thing, this penchant for thinking about things you've lost over the years? For instance, I suddenly remembered this blue American Eagle polo shirt that an uncle gave me several years ago, which I can't find in my closet anymore. It's not even one of my favorite shirts; I didn't like the size and the cut particularly, especially in the tummy area, because it made me look fat. I was lying on the couch the other day, taking a nap, when in that zone between wakefulness and sleep I was suddenly jolted awake by the realization that I haven't seen the shirt in a while. And so instead of trying to go back to my nap I cut it short and headed to my room -- and my closet, of course -- to try to find the shirt.
Of course I didn't find it. There seems to be a Twilight Zone dimension where lost objects from all over the world just find themselves teleported to, never to be seen again by their original owners. And for majority of those owners, unless it's a brand-new car or an expensive watch or an entire home, losing those things isn't really a big deal. But of course, I'm not one of those majority of owners who really don't care. Otherwise I wouldn't bother writing a blog post about it.
I am conscious of this preoccupation or fixation of mine on things that get lost in the ether. I remember not just shirts but -- or more importantly, because for me they are more important than any article of clothing -- books. I've lost countless books over the years: some lost while traveling, some lost to friends who never really had the intention of returning them anymore (I guess they have a different definition of "borrowing"). And of course, some books I've lost to that Twilight Zone dimension where lost objects from all over the world just find themselves teleported to, never to be seen again by their original owners. This I've remedied by downloading PDF copies of those lost books -- regardless of the reason why I lost them. And of course, I've never read majority of those PDFs anyway. It's just that the thought of having at least digital copies of those books makes me feel better at least -- or so I believe.
And then there's the matter of money, which for me is worse. I keep thinking about the money that I lost over the years, and in this case there's no Twilight Zone dimension where lost MONEY from all over the world just find themselves teleported to, never to be seen again by their original owners. In the case of money -- in the sense of both physical cash (which they call "efectivo" here in Mexico) and digital money -- I know precisely where the lost money went. Especially money lost by way of purchased things that I believe could have gone to more useful things. Is this a Virgo thing? I suspect it is.
I also suspect that this is the reason why -- even though a lot of Filipinos are now, sadly, addicted to it, especially the online variety -- I'd never really been drawn to gambling. If you're the type of person who keeps on thinking about the money you lost buying so-called frivolous things (which weren't actually frivolous at the time of purchase), then how bad will it be when you lose money instantaneously through gambling, no matter what variety? I remember our one and only trip to Las Vegas, when my uncle and aunt graciously drove us there and booked us a hotel room, and my aunt was enjoying her favorite (occasional) pastime of playing the slot machies, I decided to give it a try. After losing a couple of games, Diana, my wife, was so amused that I cashed in a ten-dollar win instead of powering through. That was it for me. As my uncle parked himself in the bar enjoying cocktails while my aunt kept on playing, I took my wife by the arm and led her outside to the strip, which we toured with a freshly won ten-dollar bill tucked inside my back jeans pocket.
There are a lot of things going on in my mind. I am an extremely anxious person, and the last thing that I need is to keep on looking back, especially at things that I've lost over the years -- money or otherwise. I've been prescribed Xanax for my anxiety, which works swimmingly well for me, but which is extremely addictive -- and so I've been trying to wean myself from it totally. It would, therefore, be a big load off my mind if I could just let go of this bad habit of mine of looking back at things that I've lost over the years.
Sometimes I just want to look ahead, but then again when I do look far ahead, I get anxious of what the future might bring. They say that you should take it one day at a time. But then if I focus on the present, I worry that I'm not planning enough.
I don't want to chalk this up as a Virgo thing, but I think that's just what it is.
It's a Virgo thing.
(PS: I never used to believe in the Zodiac, but I blame my anthropology professor in college -- him of all people! -- who checked his horoscope religiously and shared it to the class every chance he got. And no, I don't remember if he was a Virgo. He probably was.)
